2014 - Page 5 of 16 - Forever In Mom Genes

Parallel Parking Paranoia Isn’t Pretty

Oct 07 2014

I’ve been actively avoiding parallel parking since my driver’s test in 1986 when I grazed* the curb during the parking component. I’ve had PTSD—Parking-Trauma Stress Disorder—ever since. I’ll drive around the block seven times in an attempt to find a spot wide enough for me to pull straight in. Parallel parking is for Europeans in minis, not suburban moms in mini-vans. *grazed = slammed into Source On the rare occasion when I’ve HAD to parallel park my stress level has been unparalleled. Last year I drove my friend Sarah to an event downtown. I was fine to get us there. I’m reasonably okay at moving my vehicle forwards and backwards. It’s sideways—specifically sideways into a parking spot—that makes me sweat. Upon finding the perfect spot right in front of our event, Sarah encouraged me to parallel park into the tiny spot….on a one way street, with tons of cars crammed with impatient drivers, judging me. I made three attempts with the final effort landing us up on the curb. And not just a little bit. I was ON THE SIDEWALK blocking pedestrians. Sarah looked at me with shock and pity. Then she said rather sternly, “Get out.” She banished me[…]

Sep 15 2014

Last night I stood in front of our full-length mirror and took a hard look at myself. “You know,” I said to my husband, “I see an old woman. My face is wrinkling, my body is succumbing to the effects of gravity, my hair is greying and I have age spots.” Disgusted, I turned to my husband and said, “Tell me something positive to make me feel better.” He thought for a minute and said, “Well, there’s nothing wrong with your eyesight.” Okay, that didn’t actually happen. My husband values his life too much. No, that was just a little humour preceding the serious topic of eye health. I guess you could say it was “vitreous” humour. (I’m so glad I paid attention in high school biology so I could make that joke.) But seriously, the topic of losing your sight is no laughing matter. Did you read “The Fault In Our Stars?” It’s a beautifully written, but tragic story. When one of the characters loses his vision due to eye cancer, I could easily imagine how frightened he must have been. When I sneak into my sleeping child’s room at night to kiss her forehead, as I feel[…]

Sep 12 2014

I’m forty-four not eighty-four so why do I feel like I should be joining a senior centre and doing needlepoint? Being diagnosed with a bunion has the power to age you faster than 48 consecutive hours in a tanning bed. I know there are worse things. Much worse things. But this one thing makes me cringe. And wince! A bunion can be painful—like wake you up from a sound sleep, achy, throbby kind of painful. I’m currently tiptoeing into the primary stage. I can’t wait to get to tertiary because that looks like some sexy fun doesn’t it? If you happen to be looking for some hot pictures, forget the porn and just Google “bunions.” My god, my eyes. Disgusting bunions aside, people—cut your toenails! You might also want to hide your feet from cameras forever. Or just spare us the horror and put on some socks. The word BUNION itself sounds awful. The medical term, hallux abducto valgus is no better. Valgus? Val-dis-gus-ting. Bunions are a physical deformity. So, I’m deformed. Awesome. They are “characterized by a lateral deviation of the great toe, often erroneously described as an enlargement of bone or tissue around the joint at[…]

Sep 05 2014

This is what I do upon occasion whilst I’m supposed to be working or cleaning my house or grocery shopping or god forbid, exercising. I visit the countless random thoughts in my head and jot them down. I also, upon occasion, use the word whilst. 1. Recently I wrote about how we all eventually fall prey to the dreaded mom cut. So what do I go and do anyway? I get clipped despite my own warning. I was going for more ‘Julianne Hough’ than mom cut. Preeeeeeetty sure I nailed it. Wait, why are you sniggering? I can’t even properly evaluate what’s going on on my head at the moment. I woke up and immediately pulled my hair back into a stump of a ponytail. I’m a creature of habit. My friend laughed at me because I didn’t know who Julianne Hough actually is. She’s the host of that dancing show on t.v. This is what happens when you don’t have cable. I’m the one on the right. Just in case you didn’t know because Jules and I are basically twins. I’d better put on a hat. The last thing I need is the paparazzi following[…]

Aug 23 2014

When I moved to Ontario from B.C. in 1987, I left my best friend behind. In body that is, but not in spirit. We’re still best friends ALL these MANY (I can’t even do the math) years later. Every summer Tiff would fly out East and we’d always hit Wonderland. Let’s discuss my 80s outfit, shall we? What it lacked in shirt length, it made up for in oddly high waisted cut-offs. And the puff of hair atop my head? Seems I may be partly responsible for global warming as a result of my excessive use of Aquanet. Even though photographic evidence screams dork, I’m convinced I was hot at the time. We strutted around the theme park like we were all that and a bag a banana clips. We’d arrive when the park opened and were the last to leave. One year it absolutely poured. They shut down most of the rides, but we didn’t let it stop us from having fun. We ran around singing and splashing in the puddles like idiots. To avoid catching cold, we drove home in our bras and underwear—more comfortable for us, not as comfortable for the truckers passing us by[…]

Archive - 2014

Parallel Parking Paranoia Isn’t Pretty

Say “Eye” If You’ve Had An Eye Exam Lately

Bunions and Breakouts: This is 40

Random Thoughts In My Head

Wonderland Then and Now