I’m forty-four not eighty-four so why do I feel like I should be joining a senior centre and doing needlepoint? Being diagnosed with a bunion has the power to age you faster than 48 consecutive hours in a tanning bed.
I know there are worse things. Much worse things. But this one thing makes me cringe. And wince! A bunion can be painful—like wake you up from a sound sleep, achy, throbby kind of painful.
I’m currently tiptoeing into the primary stage. I can’t wait to get to tertiary because that looks like some sexy fun doesn’t it?
If you happen to be looking for some hot pictures, forget the porn and just Google “bunions.” My god, my eyes. Disgusting bunions aside, people—cut your toenails! You might also want to hide your feet from cameras forever. Or just spare us the horror and put on some socks.
The word BUNION itself sounds awful. The medical term, hallux abducto valgus is no better. Valgus? Val-dis-gus-ting.
Bunions are a physical deformity. So, I’m deformed. Awesome. They are “characterized by a lateral deviation of the great toe,
often erroneously described as an enlargement of bone or tissue around
the joint at the head of the big toe.” Thank you Wikepedia.
What causes this pedial affliction? Some claim the cause is tight-fitting shoes. Others say the problem is genetic. If you’re an overpronater like me, you’re basically screwed.
Is there a cure? Not really. So you’d better come to terms with your swollen bursal sac and boney metatarsal bump. There is a surgical procedure available if your bunions become crazy painful or if you’re a foot model or a lifeguard and your livelihood depends upon not grossing people out with your deformed feet. But before that happens, you can try to slow down the progression.
There all kinds of toe splints and separators you can buy, but they’re ugly and uncomfortable. I just got fitted for custom orthotics designed to disperse the pressure on the ball of my foot. I’m hobbling to my podiatrist’s office to pick them up next week. Yes, I now have a podiatrist. Hello old age home. I see you just off in the distance…
Ironically, I have an appointment with a dermatologist right after the foot doctor to see about this new adult acne situation. Why?? Why would an elderly bunion afflicted woman suddenly sprout pimples on her chin? It’s just wrong.
The 40s are cruel ladies. Cruel and ugly. Sonofabitch…