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Wait…That May Not Be Chocolate
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Trippin’
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Just Blew In From Michigan and Boy Am I FAT!
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If The Shoe Fits, Wear It… Unless People Make Fun Of You
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Walk On
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That’s A Funny Way To Eat A Sand-Wedge
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Here, Have A Cupcake or Ten
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The R-Word
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Rabbits, Rabbits, Rabbits
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Using Sign Language To Support Speech In Kids With Special Needs

Wait…That May Not Be Chocolate

Know what pisses me off? Running to the bathroom after filling a shriveled bladder with vast amounts of green tea only to find somebody (I won’t mention any names, but she’s blonde and lives in my house) has peed on the seat. You frantically grab a wad of toilet paper to mop up the mess so you can take your rightful spot on the throne, but your bladder has already started the downloading process. It’s that whole Pavlovian thing in action. So you wet your pants. And for no good reason. It’s not like you were having fun and laughing so hard you peed a little. Sorry. I’ve got pee on the brain, so to speak. These days our household is consumed with pee. And poop. We’re in the midst of potty training booty camp. DS was fully potty trained by the age of two. It took a week. I used a cleverly organized sticker system and Potty Champ reward chart. I was the one who deserved a reward…for super stellar parenting. Seriously? I was a fool. DS was just a good pee-er. It had nothing to do with me. At all. My daughter has made that abundantly clear. She’s[…]

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Trippin’

  I love everything about traveling; the logistics and planning ahead, stumbling upon something new and unexpected, exploring the unknown. I used to travel a lot in my single days. It was carefree and liberating. Those days seem to be over now. At least until our children are older. Taking a trip with kids is a lot different than traveling solo. There’s a whole new set of concerns and elements to consider. As we drove along the highway this summer on our family vacation, I had time to reflect (thank god for dvd players and stacks of Disney movies) about my favourite trip of all. It was an experience that both terrified and thrilled me. It was one of those soul changing, life shaping adventures that you never forget. This post is more of a personal scrapbook page than an actual blog entry, so please excuse the indulgence. I wanted to preserve some of my favourite pictures online…just in case. As I was looking through my old travel albums, I came across a poem I wrote. It’s corny and an amateur effort, but it makes me smile. Here it is….with pictures. Oh What A Long Strange Trip It’s Been ~[…]

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Just Blew In From Michigan and Boy Am I FAT!

Hi blog. It’s me, Lisa. I’ve missed you. I’m sorry if you’ve felt neglected. It’s the summer though so cut me some slack. I meant to stop in. I even planned in my head what I was going to say to you. But then I’d get distracted and wander off, most likely in the direction of something salty or deep fried or chocolately or beery. Hence my fat ass. Seriously. My pants are straining to keep all of me held in. In June, I had visions of getting ripped this summer and sporting my beach body all over town. Instead, the only thing ripped is my too tight pants. Why didn’t anyone warn me that chips and beer are fattening? At least I still have ice-cream. That’s healthy right? It’s just milk. Have you ever seen a fat cow? Oh crap. Anyway, I just wanted to tell you that I’m back from vacation. Ever been to a Chihuahua wedding? I have and Imma gonna tell you all about it. Soon. But right now…. I have to get this booty on a treadmill! (Hey Jen, does that saying ring a bell? LMAO!)… Sigh. Wouldn’t it be great if you could actually[…]

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If The Shoe Fits, Wear It… Unless People Make Fun Of You

Despite what you may have heard, I love shoes. There was a time way back in the day when I wore stylish heels, strappy sandals and cool Espadrilles. These aren’t so bad, are they? My chiropractor thinks they’re hot.   Then I left my job and stayed home to care for our daughter. Heels gave way to flip flops and Birkenstoks. Gotta love a birk…the way they mold to my feet, even with socks (only around the house, I swear) they’re like a second, tougher, more hippy lovin’ skin. I love them to my very sole/soul. And listen here shoe divas with your stilettos and killer calves, it’s sad that you will never know the pedial joy of Croc flip flops.  I also love my Uggs. Both pairs. I give my Uggs huggs whenever I’m feeling blue. What can I say? I’m a sucker for comfort. Though I admit after witnessing ladies who rock their hot heels, I wonder if I should give more consideration to the image my shoes project? I’m just not convinced that foot fashion is worth the price of swollen, blistered, achy feet. While doing some serious sole searching (Literally. I can’t find my other Ugg slipper[…]

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Walk On

This September I’m participating in the Weekend to End Women’s Cancers. It’s a two day, 60 km walk through the streets of Toronto. My team has been practising hard. Correction, they have. I haven’t. I’ve been enjoying summer, eating, drinking and being merry, seemingly oblivious to the fact that in a month I will be walking for two entire days straight. So today I took my lard ass for a training walk. 15 km was the plan. Turns out after mapping my route when I got home, it was a piddly 8.5 km. I’m screwed. I’ve tried to convince team members that it would be really cute to pull me in a pink wagon. They don’t seem too keen. Aaaaaaaanyway, today as I walked…alone…without music or anybody to talk to, these are some of the random thoughts that bounced around my head: I have a really unusual gait. My right foot randomly shoots out spastically to one side I often lose my balance walking in a straight line.  Why do people passing by in their car ALWAYS stare? Is it my bright pink shoes? It’s probably my wonky gait. I should really be in a circus. My shorts are way[…]

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That’s A Funny Way To Eat A Sand-Wedge

I went to see my family doctor last week for my annual exam. I had hoped to leave the three year old at home but alas, my husband was golfing, leaving me on my own to deal with a speculum and a curious toddler.   I’m sure I’m not the first to tell this tale; the sordid story of a woman in a paper gown chasing a rangy child around a doctor’s office. There’s only so much you can do to entertain a child in a tiny uninteresting room. I stand corrected. Uninteresting to me but UNBELIEVABLY interesting to a child — the drawers, the dirty garbage can, the doctor’s phone, the curtain, the wheelie stool — all extremely intriguing.   Suddenly my daughter disappeared behind the curtain. Moments later the curtains parted to expose her tiny hand now sporting a rubber glove. Apparently I would be entertained by some sort of makeshift puppet show. Thankfully the doctor appeared because the KY jelly was dangerously in reach of the “stage.” God only knows what the Second Act would bring. My daughter loves our doctor. So do I. She is kind, compassionate and a snappy dresser. Did I mention I was[…]

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Here, Have A Cupcake or Ten

You know the unspoken rule, “Choose ugly friends and end up looking great by comparison.” Well, I obviously forgot this golden rule because my girlfriends are stupidly good looking. Fit, well dressed, dewy skinned, shiny haired bitches. All of them. How can I possibly hope to be the centre of attention with them getting in my way? I was drawn to them for their warm personalities and striking humour. Their good looks however are an unfortunate flaw. In order to clamber back to the top of the attention heap, I have a fool proof plan. No, I’m not going to drink water to improve my skin, choose classic articles of clothing that flatter my curves or even…dare I say, exercise and watch my diet. No, nooooooooooooo, no. I plan to shower my girlfriends with bake goods, Costco sized bags of Ruffles, tasty chocolates and tubs of creamy Haagen Daas. Fortunately, I know each of their weaknesses and I will assign each pal a high cal delight accordingly. The beauty of this plan is not only will I fatten them up and consequently make myself look thinner, but they won’t even see it coming. They will think these gifts come out[…]

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The R-Word

  What’s in a word? Letters of course. But there’s more. A word has the power to evoke emotion; beautiful or ugly, inspirational or devastating. In the eighties “gay” was a common descriptor. As in, “Oh my god, those jelly shoes look totally gay with those parachute pants.” A few decades later, while shopping with a friend I said, “This song is so gay.” To which she replied, “Really? It’s homosexual is it?” She worked in an industry populated by gay men and pointed out that using gay as a synonym for stupid or odd was offensive. Prior to her bluntly putting it into context like that, the concept had no relevance for me. I didn’t have any gay friends at the time and wielded this word with complete disregard for the feelings of others. Unintentionally, but ignorantly just the same. Chances are if you were a teen in the eighties or nineties you also threw around such phrases as, “I can’t believe how retarded that movie was.” Or “I look like a retard with this perm.” I was guilty of using it until I suddenly became faced with the reality of the word. I have a sense of humour[…]

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Rabbits, Rabbits, Rabbits

No, I’m not reciting the rhyme that is supposed to ward off campfire smoke. I’m literally saying there are rabbits, rabbits, rabbits EVERYWHERE this summer. Back yard, front yard, side yard, boulevard…there are herds of marauding fuzzy bunnies everywhere. They’ve been grazing on our lawn, which I don’t mind. I’d like it more if they’d focus on eating the weeds. So far they’ve stayed out of my garden, but that’s probably due to the fact that I’m a horrible gardener surrounded by excellent gardeners. These bunnies are well fed. And they’re BIG. And plump. I wonder if any of my neighbours have ever trapped one? Maybe roasted it or put it on a spit? Eww. You’d have to skin it first though, right? How disgusting would that be? Remember that movie “When Rabbit Howls” starring Shelley Long? And why do I even know that? It’s odd I can remember who starred in a 20 year old made for t.v. film, but I can’t remember where I left my car keys (that’s not a metaphor by the way. My keys have been missing for three days). Anyway, if a neighbour had skinned a rabbit I suppose we’d have heard some kind[…]

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Using Sign Language To Support Speech In Kids With Special Needs

“It’s Signing Time With Alex and Leah!” This is the refrain that goes through my head all day, every day. Avery loves this show more than any other. Signing Time teaches sign language in a simple but engaging way. We signed with DS from the time he was a baby. He picked it up right away and was soon signing, “More cookie please!” before he could speak. It was fun and novel, but soon he began talking a blue streak and left the signing behind. Then Avery came along. When she was first diagnosed with a chromosomal abnormality doctors told us she would likely never be verbal. We had already been signing with her for “fun” but continued to sign out of necessity. Her signs came slowly but steadily. As she grew she was able to easily communicate her needs through sign. Eventually she had more signs than her average peers had words. Her vocabulary was extensive and impressive. I can only imagine her frustration level without sign language. We were confident in what we were doing but others questioned our choice to sign with Avery. “Why would she even try to speak if she can just sign?” I explained[…]

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