You know the unspoken rule, “Choose ugly friends and end up looking great by comparison.” Well, I obviously forgot this golden rule because my girlfriends are stupidly good looking. Fit, well dressed, dewy skinned, shiny haired bitches. All of them.
How can I possibly hope to be the centre of attention with them getting in my way? I was drawn to them for their warm personalities and striking humour. Their good looks however are an unfortunate flaw.
In order to clamber back to the top of the attention heap, I have a fool proof plan. No, I’m not going to drink water to improve my skin, choose classic articles of clothing that flatter my curves or even…dare I say, exercise and watch my diet. No, nooooooooooooo, no.
I plan to shower my girlfriends with bake goods, Costco sized bags of Ruffles, tasty chocolates and tubs of creamy Haagen Daas. Fortunately, I know each of their weaknesses and I will assign each pal a high cal delight accordingly. The beauty of this plan is not only will I fatten them up and consequently make myself look thinner, but they won’t even see it coming. They will think these gifts come out of the kindness of my heart…because I am kind. Very kind.
I know it’s sneaky and underhanded, but it’s survival of the fattest right? I mean fittest. Whatever.