humour Archives - Page 13 of 18 - Forever In Mom Genes

Class Photos

Nov 28 2011

A picture may be worth a thousand words, but the words may not always speak the truth. Case in point, my kids’ class pictures. My son’s photo depicts him as a social butterfly surrounded by hordes of adoring fans, the consummate centre of attention. In reality, he’s a quiet guy who keeps a small handful of friends close. My daughter’s picture (below) on the other hand, tells the tale of a child on the perimeter of acceptance. She is the blondie at the end on the first row. A solitary loner at the end of the bench. In this picture, my daughter may be set apart from her peers, but unlike her brother, she is a social butterfly. She is fully integrated in her classroom. There is no judgement among her peers and she is accepted for who she is. At first glance, this photo could be unsettling for a family unaware of their child’s scholastic journey. And not just because of the creepy masks I Photoshopped on my daughter’s classmates due to privacy issues. Avery adores her teacher, her wonderful EAs and her loving classmates. She is made to feel like a valuable member[…]

Nov 23 2011

I’m a social creature. I like to be near people at all times. If my husband is late coming home from work, I’ve been known to press my face up against the window, willing him home, like some lonely housebound cat. I don’t mind being alone. In fact, I revel in it some times. I just much prefer the company of other warm blooded mammals of the human variety. The past few days, I’ve been trapped at home with the flu. My children are good company, but after a while their social graces and conversational skills wane. So my brief excursion out this evening was welcomed. I was finally out among my peeps! So what if my big outing was merely to the grocery store? I went with it. I chatted with the produce guy. Our conversation may have only consisted of, “Excuse me, where are the mushrooms?” but it was a start. The dude in the meat department wasn’t very chatty. I tried to engage him in a convo about ground turkey versus ground chicken, but he didn’t seem that into it. Finally at the checkout (and here’s a glimpse of how loopy I become when I’m caged in[…]

Nov 18 2011

As weird as it is to have a perfect stranger rub and squeeze me, it’s completely worth the mild awkwardness. Here’s the low down on getting a rub down: 1. Eat before. Not so much that you’re a bloated whale, but enough to spare you the worry about your tummy grumbling during your massage. A rumbly stomach is a natural thing, but for some reason I find it embarrassing and anticipating my stomach making sounds on the table stresses me out. 2. Drink water before and after your massage – something to do with helping flush out toxins or something. 3. On that note, pee right before your massage. Parts of your body will be pushed on, so it’s a good idea to go in “on empty.” 4. Be advised that the massage therapist will tuck the top sheet into the wasitband of your underwear. Unless you’re comfortable showing off your butt, you might want to trade in the thong for full-coverage briefs on massage day. 5. Couples massages are romantic in theory. However, if your partner is a Chatty Cathy (Yes, I’m looking at YOU honey) and serenity is what you’re after, book separate rooms. 6. Set the mood[…]

Aug 30 2011

We need a Hazmet team to disinfect this house. My husband is the latest victim of this itchy and ugly affliction called Pink Eye. I don’t need to explain how traumatic this has been in his eyes (I mean that both literally and figuratively). According to him, conjunctivitis is even more debilitating than a Man Cold. I know… My darling son itched his eye yesterday, just once, and I was on him with the drops before he could blink. I am hell bent to nip this mini-pandemic in the bud. Usually he’s very easy going about the eye drop insertion routine. This time however, he writhed and moaned and told me it stung. I poo-pooed his protests and carried on. This is when he really kicked up a fuss. “This feels different mom. I’m not kidding.” Seems I’d used ear drops by mistake. Just in the one eye. So that makes me only 50% negligent. right? When I got my hands on the correct drops and attempted to douse the second eye, I had to regain his trust. Silly kids. If they only knew that we’re basically just winging this whole parenting thing, they’d never trust us so blindly. Oh[…]

Aug 24 2011

Sometimes a word just fits. So what that you made it up and bastardized the English language in the process? If it gets your point across, does it really matter? Here are few words spewed forth from my keyboard that aren’t in the dictionary, but fabsolutely should be! Blunderment: an awkward or embarrassing moment brought about by one’s own stupidity /“That fall in front of my child’s school was a blunderment of unspeakable proportions.” Fabsolutely: an exceedingly enthusiastic, yet sincere “Yes!” response / “Would I like to spend a child free day at the spa? Fabsolutely!” Manderpants: mens’ underwear, most often found inside-out on the bedroom floor / “I swear,if I find those manderpants on the floor one more time, I’ll stuff them up your nose.” Sapimental: a sappy, sentimental feeling or display of emotion resulting from nostalgia; often includes “happy tears” or the “laugh/sob” / “Pass me a tissue. I’m feeling a little sapimental today.” Halloweiner: a husband who takes great pleasure from scaring innocent children on Halloween. “I can’t believe you threw a severed leg at those kids! You are such a Halloweiner!” Commfitment: a vow to get fit, like, for REALS this time. “I have made a serious commfitment. Pick me up for Zumba ok?[…]

Category - humour

Class Photos

Tired Of Loafing Around

A Message (read in french accent) About Massage

Pink Eye—Read the Label Folks

Lisa’s Lexicon