Tag - elf on the shelf

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How I Almost Ruined Christmas
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Tooth Fairy Meets The Elf

How I Almost Ruined Christmas

This Christmas I was deliriously ill. Seems I’ve become a pretty pathetic feeble germ bag. Anyway, it’s my excuse for nearly spoiling our carefully crafted “Elf” illusion. After Santa “retrieved” his loyal elf on Christmas Eve, I hid him away in a temporary hiding spot in my underwear drawer where he remained nestled amongst my delicate underthings, undetected until…five days after Christmas. I was feeling better and decided to tackle the laundry. As I was sorting socks and putting clothes into my dresser, I heard a gasp. It wasn’t my husband, horrified by the sight of my granny underpants. It was my son exclaiming, “Mum! Look!! It’s the elf. He’s in your drawer!” Me: “Ohhhh. About that…(think Lisa, think!!) I got an email from Santa apologizing for not taking the elf with him. He was running late and was distracted and accidentally left the elf behind. He asked if you’d mind looking after Elf for one more day until he can send one of his people to pick him up tonight?” (This is what was passing over my fibbing lips, but running through my head was: Nooooooo! Shit, shit, shit. Stupid moron!! I’ve ruined Christmas!!). *Expectant pause. Please buy it.[…]

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Tooth Fairy Meets The Elf

Whatever genius thought of the Elf On The Shelf is ho, ho, ho-ing all the way to the bank. In case you’re unaware, the elf is sent from the North Pole to keep an eye on the children of the house and report back to Santa. Currently we have an elfin house guest named “Quacky” (don’t ask…his name is a stupid story within a stupid story) living with us. Every night our son tucks Quacky into the little bed he made for him in his bookcase. Each morning, he wakes to discover the elf is missing. When the family is asleep, this inanimate elf becomes “real.” He sneaks out of bed and gets into all sorts of mischief. He also uses the phone to call Santa…long distance. Occasionally he uses my computer to shoot Santa an email update. (I’m not sure, but I think he has also been logging onto some nasty elf porn sites.) We are having a blast moving the elf around the house and staging him in different scenarios before we go to bed (don’t you just LOVE the legit lies we’re encouraged to tell our children around the holidays?). The other night my husband and I[…]

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