Archive - July 2010

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Walk On
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That’s A Funny Way To Eat A Sand-Wedge
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Here, Have A Cupcake or Ten
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Birds Of A Feather
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The R-Word

Walk On

This September I’m participating in the Weekend to End Women’s Cancers. It’s a two day, 60 km walk through the streets of Toronto. My team has been practising hard. Correction, they have. I haven’t. I’ve been enjoying summer, eating, drinking and being merry, seemingly oblivious to the fact that in a month I will be walking for two entire days straight. So today I took my lard ass for a training walk. 15 km was the plan. Turns out after mapping my route when I got home, it was a piddly 8.5 km. I’m screwed. I’ve tried to convince team members that it would be really cute to pull me in a pink wagon. They don’t seem too keen. Aaaaaaaanyway, today as I walked…alone…without music or anybody to talk to, these are some of the random thoughts that bounced around my head: I have a really unusual gait. My right foot randomly shoots out spastically to one side I often lose my balance walking in a straight line.  Why do people passing by in their car ALWAYS stare? Is it my bright pink shoes? It’s probably my wonky gait. I should really be in a circus. My shorts are way[…]

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That’s A Funny Way To Eat A Sand-Wedge

I went to see my family doctor last week for my annual exam. I had hoped to leave the three year old at home but alas, my husband was golfing, leaving me on my own to deal with a speculum and a curious toddler.   I’m sure I’m not the first to tell this tale; the sordid story of a woman in a paper gown chasing a rangy child around a doctor’s office. There’s only so much you can do to entertain a child in a tiny uninteresting room. I stand corrected. Uninteresting to me but UNBELIEVABLY interesting to a child — the drawers, the dirty garbage can, the doctor’s phone, the curtain, the wheelie stool — all extremely intriguing.   Suddenly my daughter disappeared behind the curtain. Moments later the curtains parted to expose her tiny hand now sporting a rubber glove. Apparently I would be entertained by some sort of makeshift puppet show. Thankfully the doctor appeared because the KY jelly was dangerously in reach of the “stage.” God only knows what the Second Act would bring. My daughter loves our doctor. So do I. She is kind, compassionate and a snappy dresser. Did I mention I was[…]

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Here, Have A Cupcake or Ten

You know the unspoken rule, “Choose ugly friends and end up looking great by comparison.” Well, I obviously forgot this golden rule because my girlfriends are stupidly good looking. Fit, well dressed, dewy skinned, shiny haired bitches. All of them. How can I possibly hope to be the centre of attention with them getting in my way? I was drawn to them for their warm personalities and striking humour. Their good looks however are an unfortunate flaw. In order to clamber back to the top of the attention heap, I have a fool proof plan. No, I’m not going to drink water to improve my skin, choose classic articles of clothing that flatter my curves or even…dare I say, exercise and watch my diet. No, nooooooooooooo, no. I plan to shower my girlfriends with bake goods, Costco sized bags of Ruffles, tasty chocolates and tubs of creamy Haagen Daas. Fortunately, I know each of their weaknesses and I will assign each pal a high cal delight accordingly. The beauty of this plan is not only will I fatten them up and consequently make myself look thinner, but they won’t even see it coming. They will think these gifts come out[…]

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Birds Of A Feather

  The other day my daughter and I took our dog for a walk around a local pond. We explored the reeds, quacked at the ducks and enjoyed just being outside in nature together. Of course I automatically switched into teacher mode. My poor children—everything seems to turn into a “teachable moment.” You can take the girl out of teaching, but you can’t take teacher out of the girl. Sorry, that sounds wrong—in a very “blue pages” kind of way. (Ontario teachers will totally get that reference.) I talked to Avery about the insects and the flowers. She feigned interest for about a minute, but was more interested in leaning beyond the railing of the bridge to get a good look at the ducks. If I hadn’t had a tight grasp on her belt I’m pretty sure there would have been a splash followed by a BayWatch style rescue of some kind. Then in the distance in the marsh, I spotted a Great Blue Heron. I was excited. I squealed, “Avery! Look! It’s a heron. A heron!” She turned immediately. The kid apparently enjoys birds as much as her nerdy mom. She scanned the horizon and strained to see. “Do[…]

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The R-Word

  What’s in a word? Letters of course. But there’s more. A word has the power to evoke emotion; beautiful or ugly, inspirational or devastating. In the eighties “gay” was a common descriptor. As in, “Oh my god, those jelly shoes look totally gay with those parachute pants.” A few decades later, while shopping with a friend I said, “This song is so gay.” To which she replied, “Really? It’s homosexual is it?” She worked in an industry populated by gay men and pointed out that using gay as a synonym for stupid or odd was offensive. Prior to her bluntly putting it into context like that, the concept had no relevance for me. I didn’t have any gay friends at the time and wielded this word with complete disregard for the feelings of others. Unintentionally, but ignorantly just the same. Chances are if you were a teen in the eighties or nineties you also threw around such phrases as, “I can’t believe how retarded that movie was.” Or “I look like a retard with this perm.” I was guilty of using it until I suddenly became faced with the reality of the word. I have a sense of humour[…]

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