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Pranksta
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My My, What Sparkly Porridge You Have
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Yummy Granola
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The Case Of The Over-Acting Hands
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Getting A Little Too Jolly….
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Tooth Fairy Meets The Elf
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Merry Frantic Christmas
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Merry…
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Tag!
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Clean Up In Aisle 5—Turning A Bad Day Around

Pranksta

I come from a long line of fools who value a silly practical joke more than water or air. Growing up, my parents were always joking and getting their silly on; like the time my mom secretly sewed bells into the inside of my dad’s bowling pants. He made it as far as the front door when his jingly nethers stopped him in his tracks. I still have no clue what that was all about, but I do know my parents laughed until they cried. At teacher’s college, I lived in a dorm with a fabulous group of chicks who knew how to execute a prank and there were pranks aplenty let me tell you. Looking back now at our dumbassery, I find it hard to believe that today we’re teachers.  My friend Jen was a frequent victim. She herself is a prankster-savant and is the type of person who can make you laugh and keep you laughing until you literally fall down. I know this from experience. She’d been to Florida over the term break where she borrowed some random guy’s coke bottle glasses to use as a prop in a ridiculous photo. Why? For a laugh of course.[…]

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My My, What Sparkly Porridge You Have

I feel like Goldilocks living in this house filled with porridge lovers. I realize oatmeal is healthy and everything, but it’s gross. I’m a texture person. Porridge is a gruely mixture somewhere between vomit and lumpy soup. I’m not a big fan. Give me oatmeal cookies, crunchy oaty granola, even Hall and Oats, but keep your porridge to yourself. My husband (aka Papa Bear) continues to ignore my pleas and has been making a LARGE pot of oatmeal every morning. He eats it. The kids eat it. And I’m guilted into eating it. “It’s good for you! It’ll fill you up. Lower your cholesterol..blah, blah, blah…” he lectures. So, I’ve been a good Little Miss Muffet, eating what I’ve been given. Oh wait, Miss Muffet ate curds and whey, not porridge. Whatever. Equally disgusting. Yesterday, I drew the line when Papa Bear asked, “So? How is it?” “Fine” I muttered, “but I could do without the sparkly bits. What are those anyway?” “Oh ya. I tried to scoop out as much as I could.” Papa Bear explained. He had added the baggie of “Reindeer Food” (oats mixed with red, green and silver craft sparkles) Avery and I had made to[…]

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Yummy Granola

  I’ve been wearing Birkenstoks since before they became trendy. I’ve been known to hug the odd tree now and then. And, I LOVE granola. Here’s a tasty and healthy recipe that I make all the time courtesy of my BFF who lives in Vancouver so clearly, she is WAY more “granola” than I am. I buy most of these ingredients in bulk. The Bulk Barn now carries many organic items. Granola Crunch Makes 8 cups. Heat 1/2 cup of honey in a large pot. Once the honey has melted… Add: 1 cup oats 1 cup millet 1 cup sesame seeds 1 cup pumpkin seeds 1 cup sunflower seeds 1 cup sliced almonds 1/2 cup flax seeds (optional) 1 cup shredded unsweetened coconut 1/2 cup raisins or dried cranberries/blueberries 2 tsp vanilla extract 1 tsp cinnamon zest of one orange (optional) * I sometimes leave out the almonds and pumpkin seeds to make this granola more toddler friendly aka less “chokey” Mix until all ingredients are coated. At this point you can also add 1/2 cocoa powder for a chocolatey version. Preheat the oven to 350 degrees and spread the granola out flat onto two cookie sheets and bake for[…]

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The Case Of The Over-Acting Hands

As you may know, our family had an elf living with us for the month of December. He was sent from the North Pole to keep an eye on things and to report back to Santa. Outside of a small altercation with the tooth fairy, things went smoothly and we were sad to see him leave us on Christmas Eve. We said our goodbyes and took comfort in knowing that we’ll see Quacky again next December. Our elf visitor took a seat beside the cookies and milk to wait for Santa to retrieve him. What happened next was truly astounding. We set the laptop webcam on record and went to bed. This is the incredible footage the children saw Christmas morning…Click Here: Santa’s Visit The kids were floored! Our son’s reaction was priceless. It nearly brought me to tears. Ah, to be young and to believe… That brilliant performance was given by my talented bro-in-law. Julian, thank you for making such a sweet memory for our kids (and for eating 16 cookies in the process). Julian had to step in because my husband, who came up with the video idea, could NOT perform without causing us to collapse in fits of[…]

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Getting A Little Too Jolly….

For the love of god why did I stop running??? This summer I was on such a roll. Now I simply HAVE rolls. In three short months I have undone all of my hard work. I trained for and ran a 15km race last August. I was feeling fit and fab. Now I’m fat and drab. If I don’t get back on track soon, I’ll be trading in my Victoria Secrets for these unmentionables… I’m no spring chicken over here. As the big 4-0 looms I know I need to get moving and stay motivated. This is why my yearly New Year’s resolutions have come early this year – etched in chalk on the kitchen wall. My husband was literally laughing out loud as he watched me write these affirmations. He also shouted out a few he’d like me to add. They were funny. Really funny. I asked his permission to include them in this blog. Not gonna happen. I can say however that two of his suggestions are described rather graphically on Urban Dictionary and one I’m pretty sure, is illegal. What are your New Year’s Resolutions?

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Tooth Fairy Meets The Elf

Have you heard of the Elf on the Shelf? An elf is sent from the North Pole to keep an eye on the children of the house and report back to Santa. Currently we have an elfin house guest named “Quacky” (don’t ask…his name is a stupid story within a stupid story) living with us. Every night our son tucks Quacky into the little bed he made for him in his bookcase. Each morning, he wakes to discover the elf is missing. When the family is asleep, this inanimate elf becomes “real”. He sneaks out of bed and gets into all sorts of mischief. He also uses the phone to call Santa…long distance. Occasionally he uses my computer to shoot Santa an email update (I’m not sure, but I think he has also been logging onto some nasty elf porn sites). We are having a hoot moving the elf around the house and staging him in different scenarios before we go to bed (don’t you just LOVE the legit lies we’re encouraged to tell our children around the holidays?). The other night my husband and I were killing ourselves laughing at some of the completely inappropriate situations we thought about[…]

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Merry Frantic Christmas

With the joy of the season, comes the frantic, hectic hell that is life for women everywhere this time of year. That doesn’t mean men don’t feel stressed during the holidays. Oh wait, yes it means exactly that, since Christmas is a WOMAN’S burden. “Burden” isn’t a very festive term I know. My husband would be more than happy to do anything I asked of him, but due to my sick need to control everything, the man is rarely asked to lift a finger. This black hole of shopping, list making, cooking, cleaning and wrapping despair, was dug by yours truly. So I need to shut up, suck it up and get on with it because… …the holidays are jam packed with “memory moments” and I don’t want to miss any of them. It’s cliché and obvious, but these times go by in a blink of an eye. Our children won’t remember if the boughs on the banister were perfectly hung or if the napkin rings at Christmas dinner all matched. They WILL remember dressing up like elves in the basement, skating on the backyard rink and putting on a “Christmas Musical Extravaganza” in the living room. This is what[…]

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Merry…

Yesterday in our son’s grade one class the teacher asked each child to share one special activity they enjoy over the holidays. Our son said, “We do that thing, you know, where you do it once every night before the holiday comes. I can’t remember what that thing is called.” “A menorah?” asked the teacher. “Yes.” He answered. “So you celebrate Hanukkah?” she asked him. “Yes. Yes we do,” he said. Oh holy Hosanna. The activity he was looking for was, opening a door of the advent calendar! “Do we celebrate Kwanzaa mummy?” he asked us later that day. “No hun, we don’t.” “Why?” he asked. “Well, we’re not from Africa,”I explained. “Do you hafta be from Africa?? Can’t we celebrate it anyway.” “Um. I guess we can.” *Mental note: buy some black, red and green candles… Merry Hanukwanzza everyone! 😉

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Tag!

I’ve been officially tagged and asked to answer a few get to know you questions. This is a welcome distraction from the pain of my ridiculous sneezing injury. You KNOW you’re getting old when you sneeze and throw your back out… In case you’ve never done this meme kinda thing, just remember to link to the person who tagged you, answer the same questions, and then tag five people to do the same. Have fun! And let me know if you do it. 1. Name someone with the same birthday as you. Dolly Parton. True story. 2. Where was your first kiss? In the bush. That is to say, the bushes, in the park near our house. I was ten. 3. Have you ever seriously vandalized someone else’s property? My guilty conscience would never allow that. Damn it because I think I would’ve made an excellent graffiti artist. 4. Have you ever hit someone of the opposite sex? My neighbour when I was seven. Made him bleed. He totally asked for it. 5. Have you ever sung in front of a large number of people? Unfortunately, yes. Hand me a karaoke microphone and all hell breaks loose. 6. What’s the first thing[…]

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Clean Up In Aisle 5—Turning A Bad Day Around

Today was just one of those days where you just feel like you’re going bananas. The kiddo getting up at 4:45 a.m. pretty much set the tone. We finally fell back to sleep, only to OVER-sleep and have to do the mad dash to get to school in time. And for some reason my hair today is so flat it looks spray painted on. I’m bloated, and cranky and feeling frumpy AF. Driving home in the rain post school drop off, I pulled up beside a car at a stop sign. I glanced over to see a man clinging to the steering wheel, crying. It startled me. What horrible event occurred in his life to cause him such grief? I’ve been thinking about him all day. I can’t stop.  After school I dragged myself out to buy a few groceries. I had a tired little kid with me so about two minutes in she started begging to ride in the cart. So I heaved her in. Thirty seconds later, she wanted out. So I hauled her back out. She was completely out of sorts so I caved and bought a bag of goldfish crackers for her to nibble while we shopped.[…]

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