Category - humour

1
Perimenopause Is A Bloodsport
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Fatherly Funnies: The Ten Corniest Dad Jokes Ever
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Three Nurses Whose Secret Medicine Makes Them Exceptional
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Childhood Report Card Comments Still Stand Today
5
Childish Things We Still Fear As Adults

Perimenopause Is A Bloodsport

My body is waging a war against perimenopause. In my mid-forties, I still consider myself to be young and virile. Isn’t it too early for this?!? And why didn’t anybody warn me? Or maybe they did but I tuned them out because they were just “old ladies” whinging about their messed up cycles. Perimenopause is essentially water drip torture. You know, the kind where water was dripped slowly onto the captive’s forehead, slowly driving them insane. Perimenopause runs on the same principle. Just little droplets at first. Nothing you can’t handle. A restless night here, one early or late period there. Nothing unmanageable. Drip drop drip. Then two nights of tossing and turning. And a hot flash. Or maybe not a hot flash? It might just be an especially humid day. You’re not totally sure.  Drip drip drip drop drop drop… And how are we THIS tired and still standing? Some nights it’s, “Go to bed three hours before the kids” tired.  Along with the inexplicable exhaustion, there are sudden spurts of anger for absolutely no reason. You’re the Incredible Hulk in guacamole stained yoga pants. Drip drip drip drip drip drop drop drop drop… Water trickles into your eyes, tickling[…]

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Fatherly Funnies: The Ten Corniest Dad Jokes Ever

Father’s Day is nearly here and you’ve yet to find a gift?! Don’t worry—you can always give the gift of humour. And maybe a six pack of craft beer. I can’t help you with the beer (since I already drank it last weekend after gardening all day). But I can help with the humour bit. There’s a reason ‘dada’ rhymes with ‘haha.’ It’s because fathers are funny! At least, they think they are. My dad believes he’s hysterical—I don’t have the heart to tell him his jokes are painful. Thankfully he usually butchers the punchline by mixing it up with the ending of a completely different joke or by losing the plot altogether. And THAT my friends, is hilarious.  Speaking of hilarious, here are some classic “dad jokes” for you to share this FATHER’S Day.  Warning: The term ‘hilarious’ has been used loosely. Consider these groaners a little dad payback for subjecting you to his awful jokes over the years. And don’t forget about those hideous black socks and sandals. Revenge is sweet… TEN COMPLETELY CORNY DAD JOKES: 1. What did the daddy buffalo say to his boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.   2. How do you make[…]

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Three Nurses Whose Secret Medicine Makes Them Exceptional

When I was in University, the nursing students were cool AF. As I rotated between sociology and anthropology lectures (not cool as anything) I admired them. They were good at science and not afraid of blood, needles or germs. Other than nursing a few hangovers, and “Nightingaling” my kids over the years, a career in nursing wasn’t in the cards for me. Though nurturing by nature, blood, needles, and hospital smells have been known to make me faint. Plus science is like, really hard.  So thank god for nurses—qualified, kind-hearted, non-fainting souls—who have taken great care of my family over the years. As the parent of a child with a disability, I’ve had my share of interactions with nurses—mostly positive. There were a few Nurse Ratchets, but I get why they’d be bitchy at the end of a long shift dealing with needy sick people.  There are three nurses in particular who have made a lasting impression on me. They are all skilled professionally, but their secret medicine, humour, makes them next level exceptional.  Maternity Mayhem Nurse No disrespect to doctors, doulas and midwives—you folks know your way around a dilated cervix. But huge props go out to the amazing nurse[…]

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Childhood Report Card Comments Still Stand Today

My daughter is in grade five this year. She’s a Chatty Cathy who “sometimes” gets distracted in class by friends and fun. I have NO idea where she gets this from.  Oh wait, yes I do.  When my auntie Marg was visiting from B.C. this week, she brought along some old photos and report cards she found when she was sorting through boxes at my grandpa’s house.  She grinned expectantly when she handed me the report card. As I read it, I could see why.  “Reading and writing above grade level.” Can I add that to my freelance writing resume? “Mature attitude.” Well maybe for fifth grade. But I still have the same fifth grade attitude now.  “Accepts new challenges readily.” Do I? Do I really? Because I think I’m more of a, “Fine I’ll try but I don’t really want to” kinda gal.  “Lisa has become a little chatty in class.” This made me howl but it doesn’t surprise me. This was neither the first nor the last time a comment like this appeared on my report card.  “In mathematics, Lisa must learn to check her answers for careless errors.” Ha! Tell me about it. Numbers continue to mock me daily. This[…]

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Childish Things We Still Fear As Adults

Kids naturally develop a little fear. Well, most kids. Not my second born—that kid isn’t scared of a thing, to a fault. She’s an enigma wrapped in a fearless cape. As adults, we can usually reason our way out of childish fears. I know there aren’t monsters under my bed. Monster dust bunnies maybe, but nothing deadly. And I know that if the phone rings when I’m home alone, and the caller whipers, “Have you checked the children??” it’s just my husband on his way home from work and his voice sounds creepy because he has a bubble in his throat. It’s all good. Not scary.  As an adult I’m more afraid of death and taxes. Shadowy monsters and the Boogeyman don’t warrant more than a raised eyebrow from me at this point. I have bigger fish to fry. Speaking of fish, we adults are way less afraid of sharks now than we were in our formative years. Thank you Mister Spielberg—you twisted creep. You wrecked the ocean for me for decades.  Some fears, no matter how juvenile or preposterous, follow us into adulthood. We can’t shake them no matter how hard we try to rationalize them away.  I’m not talking about sincerely[…]

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