Category - humour

1
Are You An April Fool?
2
Instagram Stories Are The New Twitter
3
Perimenopause Is A Bloodsport
4
Fatherly Funnies: The Ten Corniest Dad Jokes Ever
5
Three Nurses Whose Secret Medicine Makes Them Exceptional
6
Childhood Report Card Comments Still Stand Today
7
Childish Things We Still Fear As Adults
8
Parenting Exposed (literally)
9
This New Form Of YOGA Is Sure To Catch On
10
Honk If You’re Hornet—A Rant About Wasps

Are You An April Fool?

April Fools’ Day falling on Easter Sunday this year has thrown me off. I had to hide eggs and make bunny pancakes—I didn’t have it in me to execute any clever pranks too.  I’m not great at it anyway. Most of my family and friends claim they can see it coming from a mile away. So instead of fun pranks, here’s a random list of foolish ways to be a big ol’ fool in a daily life kind of way. Do any of the following if you want to be foolish AF.  1.Text and drive. 2. Cut your own hair. Especially after a glass of wine or three.  3. Take on more than you can handle. Just keep saying yes to everything until you pass out.  4. Put your health last.  5. Take people for granted.  6. Make up time lost by stealing “sleep” time. Sleep is for babies.  7. Never step outside your comfort zone. 8. Bail on as many social engagements as you can.  9. Skip exercise. Who wants to go getting all healthy and trim? 10. Send a text while you’re angry.  11. Gossip and spread rumours.  12. Compare yourself to others.  13. Sleep with your cell phone.   14.[…]

Read More

Instagram Stories Are The New Twitter

I miss Twitter. Ya, it still exists, and there’s fun to be had, but it’s not quite the same. Twitter used to be the go-to SM hook-up for a quick dose of social interaction. You’d post a rando thought like, “I adore guacamole!” and within seconds you’d be chatting with ten people, trading guac recipes and marvelling at how crazy it is that avocados go from ripe to rank in a blink of an eye. I miss that kind of serious engagement.  Now I’ll post a funny quip  or question and nuthin’. It’s like outer space—silent vapid nothingness.  Twitter has become “The Upside Down” ala Stranger Things, but dotted with political rants and branded ads.  I miss my community!!! Where are you guys??!! I also miss the instant feedback and real time interaction once found on The Twitter.  You can still rustle up some interaction on Facebook, but it’s hit or miss. And progressively pay to play.  As for blog comments? You’re more likely to get hit by an asteroid than hit with an actual blog comment from a living breathing non-bot human.  So where does an attention seeking social person find the love on social these days? Instagram! But[…]

Read More

Perimenopause Is A Bloodsport

My body is waging a war against perimenopause. In my mid-forties, I still consider myself to be young and virile. Isn’t it too early for this?!? And why didn’t anybody warn me? Or maybe they did but I tuned them out because they were just “old ladies” whinging about their messed up cycles. Perimenopause is essentially water drip torture. You know, the kind where water was dripped slowly onto the captive’s forehead, slowly driving them insane. Perimenopause runs on the same principle. Just little droplets at first. Nothing you can’t handle. A restless night here, one early or late period there. Nothing unmanageable. Drip drop drip. Then two nights of tossing and turning. And a hot flash. Or maybe not a hot flash? It might just be an especially humid day. You’re not totally sure.  Drip drip drip drop drop drop… And how are we THIS tired and still standing? Some nights it’s, “Go to bed three hours before the kids” tired.  Along with the inexplicable exhaustion, there are sudden spurts of anger for absolutely no reason. You’re the Incredible Hulk in guacamole stained yoga pants. Drip drip drip drip drip drop drop drop drop… Water trickles into your eyes, tickling[…]

Read More

Fatherly Funnies: The Ten Corniest Dad Jokes Ever

Father’s Day is nearly here and you’ve yet to find a gift?! Don’t worry—you can always give the gift of humour. And maybe a six pack of craft beer. I can’t help you with the beer (since I already drank it last weekend after gardening all day). But I can help with the humour bit. There’s a reason ‘dada’ rhymes with ‘haha.’ It’s because fathers are funny! At least, they think they are. My dad believes he’s hysterical—I don’t have the heart to tell him his jokes are painful. Thankfully he usually butchers the punchline by mixing it up with the ending of a completely different joke or by losing the plot altogether. And THAT my friends, is hilarious.  Speaking of hilarious, here are some classic “dad jokes” for you to share this FATHER’S Day.  Warning: The term ‘hilarious’ has been used loosely. Consider these groaners a little dad payback for subjecting you to his awful jokes over the years. And don’t forget about those hideous black socks and sandals. Revenge is sweet… TEN COMPLETELY CORNY DAD JOKES: 1. What did the daddy buffalo say to his boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.   2. How do you make[…]

Read More

Three Nurses Whose Secret Medicine Makes Them Exceptional

When I was in University, the nursing students were cool AF. As I rotated between sociology and anthropology lectures (not cool as anything) I admired them. They were good at science and not afraid of blood, needles or germs. Other than nursing a few hangovers, and “Nightingaling” my kids over the years, a career in nursing wasn’t in the cards for me. Though nurturing by nature, blood, needles, and hospital smells have been known to make me faint. Plus science is like, really hard.  So thank god for nurses—qualified, kind-hearted, non-fainting souls—who have taken great care of my family over the years. As the parent of a child with a disability, I’ve had my share of interactions with nurses—mostly positive. There were a few Nurse Ratchets, but I get why they’d be bitchy at the end of a long shift dealing with needy sick people.  There are three nurses in particular who have made a lasting impression on me. They are all skilled professionally, but their secret medicine, humour, makes them next level exceptional.  Maternity Mayhem Nurse No disrespect to doctors, doulas and midwives—you folks know your way around a dilated cervix. But huge props go out to the amazing nurse[…]

Read More

Childhood Report Card Comments Still Stand Today

My daughter is in grade five this year. She’s a Chatty Cathy who “sometimes” gets distracted in class by friends and fun. I have NO idea where she gets this from.  Oh wait, yes I do.  When my auntie Marg was visiting from B.C. this week, she brought along some old photos and report cards she found when she was sorting through boxes at my grandpa’s house.  She grinned expectantly when she handed me the report card. As I read it, I could see why.  “Reading and writing above grade level.” Can I add that to my freelance writing resume? “Mature attitude.” Well maybe for fifth grade. But I still have the same fifth grade attitude now.  “Accepts new challenges readily.” Do I? Do I really? Because I think I’m more of a, “Fine I’ll try but I don’t really want to” kinda gal.  “Lisa has become a little chatty in class.” This made me howl but it doesn’t surprise me. This was neither the first nor the last time a comment like this appeared on my report card.  “In mathematics, Lisa must learn to check her answers for careless errors.” Ha! Tell me about it. Numbers continue to mock me daily. This[…]

Read More

Childish Things We Still Fear As Adults

Kids naturally develop a little fear. Well, most kids. Not my second born—that kid isn’t scared of a thing, to a fault. She’s an enigma wrapped in a fearless cape. As adults, we can usually reason our way out of childish fears. I know there aren’t monsters under my bed. Monster dust bunnies maybe, but nothing deadly. And I know that if the phone rings when I’m home alone, and the caller whipers, “Have you checked the children??” it’s just my husband on his way home from work and his voice sounds creepy because he has a bubble in his throat. It’s all good. Not scary.  As an adult I’m more afraid of death and taxes. Shadowy monsters and the Boogeyman don’t warrant more than a raised eyebrow from me at this point. I have bigger fish to fry. Speaking of fish, we adults are way less afraid of sharks now than we were in our formative years. Thank you Mister Spielberg—you twisted creep. You wrecked the ocean for me for decades.  Some fears, no matter how juvenile or preposterous, follow us into adulthood. We can’t shake them no matter how hard we try to rationalize them away.  I’m not talking about sincerely[…]

Read More

Parenting Exposed (literally)

Parenting makes us vulnerable. We expose parts of ourselves we never imagined we would – emotionally and in some cases, physically. Something happened several years ago that I’ve only shared with a select few. I feel like now is a good time to dust off the details and share it out loud because I can laugh about it now.  Back in the summer of 2011 when my daughter was a spunky five-year-old, we were invited to attend a big outdoor children’s event. I didn’t want to go. It was difficult taking my daughter out back then. She’s a precocious kiddo whose physical and cognitive delays make it tough to rein her in sometimes. But my son who was obsessed with lizards at the time was desperate to see the reptile show at the party. His needs frequently come second to his sister’s—which is often the case of siblings of kids with special needs. He was so looking forward to holding a Bearded Dragon, how could I deny him that (creepy) pleasure?  We were at the event less than five minutes when Avery stuck a sponge covered in green paint in her mouth, picked up a pile of goose poop in her[…]

Read More

This New Form Of YOGA Is Sure To Catch On

I love yoga. Or more accurately, the idea of yoga. Not to mention the sinewy limbs that come from actually practicing yoga instead of sitting on your ever widening ass watching You Tube videos about yoga while eating crackers slathered in 115 mls of apple butter. If this yoga class comes to a studio near me, I’m so signing up. HILARIOUSLY calming. Who’s with me?

Read More

Honk If You’re Hornet—A Rant About Wasps

    Alternate titles for this post include: Thugs Of The Insect World We Don’t Like You, So Buzz Off Get Off My Apple Arsehole You’ll Never Make Honey. Get Over It Wasps Are Wankers Go Back To Your Own Planet Wasps. What Are They Good For? Absolutely Nothing. I decided on the hornet inclusive title because a) LOL! and b) Hornets are jerks too. So are wasps good for anything? They’re part of our ecosystem (though I stand by my claim that they are invaders from another planet. Magnify them about 100x and you can totally imagine a wasp-alien eating Sigourney Weaver). Wasps eat pests like aphids and other creepy little insects. They also act like tiny vultures by eating and disposing of dead rotting stuff. I know this is a helpful thing; the circle of life and all that, but why do they have to be so annoying about it? Go ahead and eat my apple core, but can you at least wait until I put it down? And when a raccoon has a tantrum and hurls my food waste bin across my lawn, do you really have to swarm me like that? I’m merely trying to remove[…]

Read More

All images and text are copyright © 2017 Forever In Mom Genes