Archive - 2009

1
Toxic Friendships
2
Do They Have HBO in Hell?
3
Never Met a Karaoke Machine I Couldn’t Knock Over
4
Oh. My. God. I’m. Tired.
5
The Sweetest Birthday Boy
6
The First Seizure
7
Mama Lion – Hear Me Roar (and then possibly scratch someone’s eyes out)
8
How Could I Forget This Family Photo?
9
Merry Awkward Christmas!
10
Paging Dr. McDreamy

Toxic Friendships

  A small rant if I may? One long, deep, cleansing breath. Inhale and… …girlfriends. Can’t live without them. Well you could, but life would be a bore. Plus who would give you the straight-up truth in the RW & Co. change room about what those pants REALLY do to your bum? You really can’t afford to go through life without some solid women by your side. They build you up when you’re low, and come along for the ride when you’re riding high. But what if they don’t? What happens when a friendship takes a turn or just plain fizzles out? We’ve all had our hearts stomped on; our confidence shredded into tiny shards by men in our lives at one time or another. But what about the bosom buddies in our lives? When a friendship turns toxic it can do some pretty serious damage. Life has been stressful since our daughter’s diagnosis. Like hair falling out, stomach ulcer, insomnia, panic attacks, kind of stressful. For the most part friends have rallied and have really been there for us despite their own busy lives. I can’t even begin to thank them for that support. Sadly, there have been disappointments.[…]

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Do They Have HBO in Hell?

What do Spielberg’s Poltergeists 1, 2 and 3, White Noise starring Michael Keaton and the horror flick, The Ring all have in common? Creepy scenes involving a television! Growing up I was warned that T.V. was bad for me, but I thought that meant my eyeballs would implode if I sat too close. I had no idea that ghosts could burst out of the screen and that television was…evil. For years I ignored the warnings and lived dangerously. I watched Donny and Marie, The Love Boat and Fantasy Island. Sure, Donny and Marie’s relationship was somewhat unnatural, but it wasn’t “supernatural.” The Love Boat? Now what could be evil about an amorous ship? Maybe Doc was a little too touchy-feeling at times, but that’s not evil. Unless of course, he touched his patients inappropriately. And Fantasy Island? No wait, that show WAS evil. On so many levels. As I sprouted into a more discriminating couch potato, I enjoyed such non-evil classics as Silver Spoons, Family Ties, Growing Pains. The Wonder Years, and Roseanne. All perfectly pleasant and moral. Okay Roseanne could be foul at times, especially during that whole Tom Arnold spell, but I wouldn’t say she was evil (Though when[…]

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Never Met a Karaoke Machine I Couldn’t Knock Over

I can’t carry a tune in a bucket, but I LOVE to sing. I feel sorry for the audience mind you, as they sit politely listening (at first), ears bleeding, tears running down their faces. Why didn’t they run when they had the chance? My first experience with the Japanese art of Karaoke came at a late age. I was in my 20s tending bar at a popular nightclub that featured Karaoke Night every Tuesday. How I longed for Tuesdays. I’d finish my shift, apply fresh lip gloss, submit my name and song choice and wait with great anticipation. Nothing could stop me (outside of the be-muscled bouncers) from getting up on stage and belting out a tune in my most off-key voice. In my mind, I was Bette Midler circa 1979, singing the Rose with all the feelings. Have you ever been booed and told, “You suck. Shut up!” I have. I even have the humiliation preserved on video tape. After briefly dating the guy who ran the Karaoke operation (it ended on a sour note, so to speak) my microphone was silenced. A few years later however, at teacher’s college in a small town in Maine, USA, I[…]

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Oh. My. God. I’m. Tired.

Sleep deprivation and parenthood go hand and hand. I’m aware of this. But my kids are 6 and 3! Is there no end in sight to the persistent dark under eye circles, puffy lids and greyish skin tone? Not to mention the continuous state of “idiot” I seem to be in. Always forgetting where I’ve left things, trouble forming complete sentences, losing my train of um, you know, the…what was I saying? Lack of sleep turns a Yummy Mummy into a Dummy Mummy. Last night, I shut down my computer early. If you must know, my Tweetdeck crashed, so I figured the hell with it and turned in for the night. After tossing and turning for the usual hour or so, I finally drifted to sleep with soothing thoughts of how non-puffy and fresh I would be after a good night’s rest. 1:15 a.m.. The baby monitor lit up our room like a red light district. I jumped up and stumbled blindly down the hall to check on DD. Weird. She was sleeping like, well, like a baby. Back to bed. More adrenaline induced tossing and turning and then back to sleep. 2:35 a.m.. More screaming. Wailing actually and then[…]

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The Sweetest Birthday Boy

Is it just me, or does this seem like a LOT of presents?? We threw a birthday party for our 6yr old today. The weather was brilliant, nobody went missing or got injured and despite my pathetic cupcakes, the kids had a blast. We weren’t sure what to do for his party this year. Parents in our neighbourhood tend to go crazy overboard and we didn’t want to do that. Who am I kidding, we couldn’t afford it even if we wanted to. We ended up reserving the mini-soccer field behind our house. You can rent a public field from the city ($12 for 2hrs).     Hubby pitched a tent…ahem, for shade. We brought snacks and drinks, mangled cupcakes and scads of sports equipment – one of the many perks of being married to a gym teacher. My husband and his brother, also a P.E. guy organized all sorts of fun, active games. Our boy was such a great little party host. He introduced his neighbour friends to his school friends and made sure everyone felt welcome. There was only one injection of drama–an ambulance, sirens blasting went speeding toward our house while the pizza was being delivered. My[…]

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The First Seizure

How sweet she looks strapped into this retro looking wheelchair. We laughed about how it looked like a prop from the horror movie, “The Changeling.” We made jokes, but what our family had just gone through was far from funny.  Though our daughter has spent her fair share of time in pediatric wards over the past few years — always without complaint and never failing to win over the staff with her sunny disposition and ready smile — this week was truly frightening.    Though our Avery has many challenges, we try not to focus on the “what ifs.” Research tells us that many of the significant medical issues for our daughter tend to present later in life, if at all. Since Avery’s initial diagnosis we’ve had our ups and downs. Mostly ups. Doctors told us that Avery might never walk, or talk but she has proved them wrong by doing both. Tuesday however, after celebrating the great results of her perfect hearing test, things took a nasty turn. I went to wake Avery from her afternoon nap — a nap I let go on longer than usual after a long day of appointments. When I entered her room I found her unconscious.[…]

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Mama Lion – Hear Me Roar (and then possibly scratch someone’s eyes out)

Grade 2: A boy in my class told everyone my jacket was the colour of poop. He called me “Poo Coat” for the rest of the day. The other kids laughed hysterically. Naturally. I mean, they were six and anything poop related was hilarious. I was obviously traumatized as I still remember this clearly, decades later. Grade 6: My three-some of best girlfriends become a lonely party of one when the other two ditched me. Bitches. Boy did that sting. I was devastated—stomach aches, didn’t want to go to school, cried my eyes out. Funny enough, one of those bitches and I patched things up the next school year and have been best friends ever since. I should really remind her of how lucky she is that I forgave her… Kids can be mean. Fact. Even the kindhearted ones can get pulled into the teasing vortex. When I was teaching, I was shocked by how quickly things could go bad. Recess could quickly turn into The Lord of the Flies, with sticks and everything. Well. until I blew my whistle and confiscated the sticks. I’m not the first to point this out, but children are like a pack of wild[…]

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How Could I Forget This Family Photo?

  I did succumb to the guilt of going behind my “deer” husband’s back to post that picture of him wearing elf tights. I have since removed it. However…while going through my photos to select a picture for another post, I came across this geeky gem. I can’t believe that I had forgotten about Christmas 2007! I also can’t believe they agreed to this after the elf catastrophe of 2006!! Was there a similarly ridiculous shot taken to commemorate Christmas of 2008? Not on your life. Hubby put his socked (no tights) foot down and flat out refused. Grinch.

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Merry Awkward Christmas!

I trust you’re familiar with this hilarious site–Awkward Family Photos? One of my fave shots is this family up a tree. You’ve heard the expression “riding pine” but c’mon, are you kidding? That poor kid in the front was surely the victim of some school yard teasing after his buddies “logged” onto the internet. So, I was feeling all smug about my completely non-awkward family photo collection until I came across this ridiculous post (from an old family blog) and suspect these pictures might be “awkward family photo” material? December 2006–this was originally going to be our first annual “Family Holiday Card” until we came to our senses. This was even too nerdy for us, and we’re pretty darn nerdy. Plus hubby threatened that if I showed these pictures to ANYONE he’d snap! Apparently he wasn’t taken with my idea of an annual family card with us dressed in over-the-top tacky costumes adorned with Christmas ornaments. Noteworthy: 1. The baby is indeed wearing a dog sweater purchased from the Dollar Store. It seems they don’t make ugly infant sized Christmas sweaters. 2. I can’t even believe I got my jock of a husband to wear tights! I’m pretty sure he[…]

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Paging Dr. McDreamy

Our daughter had surgery today. Not a major procedure, but to me it may as well have been a brain transplant. Avery is 33 months old and isn’t talking. She has underlying genetic issues that are likely the cause, but we also know she has fluid in her ears. A whole lot of gunky fluid. She has consistently failed hearing test after hearing test. After the last one, they finally put a number on it – 40% hearing loss which is like listening while pressing both hands tightly against your ears. The result is a muted and very muffled sound. We decided to go ahead with the ear tube insertion. It would help Avery hear and hopefully speak clearly. We only hesitated because her genetic condition also includes cardiac issues which can make anaesthesia risky. We arrived at the hospital at 7 am and took a seat in the surgical waiting area with the throngs of fellow be-gowned patients. Everyone wore the same expression of exhaustion, fear and boredom. I tried not to touch anything and probably used the community hand-sanitizer more often than would be considered NOT INSANE. While we went through the pre-surgery protocol, I’m sure I kissed[…]

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