I’m pretty even-keeled most of time. I never yell and rarely pitch a fit. I’m generally easy going unless….I’m over-tired. Throw in a few hormonal spikes and I become a heinous she-bitch spewed forth from the bowels of hell.
At first I get quiet. Which is abnormal. Eerie even. This is a warning sign. Then comes that hyper, giddy, everything is hilarious, burst of energy you have before you crash and that, right there, is when I become a big ol’ bitch.
And who is in my line of fire? Surely not my children. They’re too young and innocent to face my wrath full force. No. It’s my closest friend. My soul mate. The one who is legally bound to me until death do we part.
Here are the top ten things he does to drive me over the edge.
1. Slurping any liquid. He’s doing it right now as I’m writing this. It’s all I can do not to wrestle that mug away from his grasp and bash him over the head with it.
2. Chewing gum. A fun and flavourful past-time. I get that. But if he continues to chew, open mouthed like Britney Spears, I could be forced to take out my frustrations on his credit card…
3. Making stupid jokes when I’m clearly not in a jovial mood. He knows the risks, but blindly forages ahead in the face of grave danger. Gotta give the man props for bravery (or slap him for his stupidity).
4. Rattling keys or any other metallic object. Even if it’s faint, I can hear still it with my bionic ears.
5. Suggesting I just “relax”. Really? Somehow that word doesn’t make me feel relaxed at all. In fact, it makes me totally un-relaxed and kinda violent actually which is pretty much the opposite of relaxed, isn’t it?
6. Leaving his clothes in a pile on our bedroom floor. For god’s sake man, you have a closet…granted, it’s down the hall, since I’ve hogged our entire double closet…but still, you know where it is! Get your fricken sports socks and manderpants (yes, I just made that term up and I’m pretty proud of myself) off my floor or I swear I’ll donate the pile to the Salvation Army.
7. Breathing. I’m not being a smart ass. Of course the guy has to breathe, but does he have to do it so loudly? And don’t even get me started about when he has a cold and his nose gets all whistley…
8. Getting all amorous at the MOST ridiculous times. As in, I’m sick, fever of 102 and he’s getting all Barry White on me. Or, I haven’t slept in days (weeks even) and have black circles under my eyes, looking like a linebacker and he gives me the ol’ come hither glance. He seems to find me most attractive when I’m sick and hideous. I’m pretty sure it’s some sort of animal instinct thing – preying on me in my weakened state.
9. Using the words “bickie” or “brekkie”. Not sure why, but it makes me loopy. Just call a cookie a cookie or breakfast, breakfast. Please.
10. I love my husband. A LOT. He is honestly my best friend, but if he says, “I’ll get to it, it’s on my list!” one more time, I can’t be held accountable for my actions. Where is this list? In his head! How many things to be done around this house are on this list? 16,437. How many have actually been finished-COMPLETELY NOT JUST STARTED AND THEN CAST ASIDE? Three.
I need sleep.